My Way

I feel like rambling. I feel like writing what i think. And i dont freaking care what anyone thinks anymore. I am living in my own world...alone. I cant share my problems with society by meself, so i write it here. And to hell with all who condemn me. I have my weaknesses. I want to get out. Bu t i am disillusioned. How do i do it? It is not for physical pleasure anymore. I want to move on in my life and I want him to help me. Okay so that makes me a whore. I am selling my body for moving on in life. And it kills me, but money and power in society is what i need. I dont need stringent morals and principles to keep me back in life. IF i can get something with my body so screw it ...i'll screw my way.

I have been reading about self confidence and why have affair with married men this afternoon. The first one is probably something eveyone knows. You read one, your read it all. Its about thinking positively, dont put yourself down, blah blah. And i dont know if that helps. I dont know if i suffer from inferior complex. I carry myself too proud but deep inside what i really am is a shy shy person. I want to come out of this shell and be like my popular friends. But i seem to have sunken real deep. I guess it takes differant people to make a society. Imagine if all of us were loud and insensitive. Gosh that would make this one noisy place. But confidence is not loud. Confidence is just feeling good about yourself. COnfidence is having the guts to speak your mind. And i dont have that. And i want that. And i am going to get it.

Now the affair bit. I have been writing about my so called mysterious affair. F*&k it. I think i am being taken for a ride. And yet i am meeting him. And i give myself crazy reasons like...he can help me with my career. I am not sleeping with him (yet). Its just some fondling and ...

I am second fiddle...and i knew that all along. When i came into the f*&^#d up relationship...i knew he will not leave his family for me. He made me understand that too. So its family...work...family...work...work...friends...special girlfriends (the ones he likes but cannot have an affair with, coz they have better principles than me)...me. There I am...last in the list. Waiting...for spending time with him. I dont get anything from him. Not monetory or physically. No house to stay in...no gifts nothing. And yet i give myself to him. I DONT KNOW WHY! I have too much pride to ask him for anything. Pride. And afraid that he will break it off if i do. Which brings me back to self confidence. I feel i may not be pretty enough and he will waste no time to dump me.


Okay so here is a serious screwed up case. But i am going to fight it. I am coming out of my shell and no one can stop me. I am bettering myself. I am studying, reading moving up the rung my self. And you know what ? I did it my way.

Unheard Voices

I am going to see him tonight. I moved through the weekend in anticipation of tonight. I dream about the way he touches me..his seductive words about how he wants to pleasure me. I havent gone to there yet...but it is only a matter of time.

And then there are voices in my head. That tell me it is wrong. Stopping me from going to the next level. The voices are cold and cruel because they speak the truth. Every where i turn people talk about morals. I open the papers to read about vice. People tell me that the world is going to come to an end. People are sinning everywhere and I am one of them. I sometimes think they are signs for me to do the right thing. The proper thing. Break it off. This is a test from God and I am failing badly.

And yet I dont stop it. I encourage him. This sinful pleasure that he gives me is difficult to let go. I want to do more. But no. Not yet. I try to hold on to my sanity. I try to avoid sinning by refusing to see him. But the pull is too strong. I dare not discuss this with friends. Their disgust will kill me. I carry my burden alone. Because with every pleasure there is pain.