My Way

I feel like rambling. I feel like writing what i think. And i dont freaking care what anyone thinks anymore. I am living in my own world...alone. I cant share my problems with society by meself, so i write it here. And to hell with all who condemn me. I have my weaknesses. I want to get out. Bu t i am disillusioned. How do i do it? It is not for physical pleasure anymore. I want to move on in my life and I want him to help me. Okay so that makes me a whore. I am selling my body for moving on in life. And it kills me, but money and power in society is what i need. I dont need stringent morals and principles to keep me back in life. IF i can get something with my body so screw it ...i'll screw my way.

I have been reading about self confidence and why have affair with married men this afternoon. The first one is probably something eveyone knows. You read one, your read it all. Its about thinking positively, dont put yourself down, blah blah. And i dont know if that helps. I dont know if i suffer from inferior complex. I carry myself too proud but deep inside what i really am is a shy shy person. I want to come out of this shell and be like my popular friends. But i seem to have sunken real deep. I guess it takes differant people to make a society. Imagine if all of us were loud and insensitive. Gosh that would make this one noisy place. But confidence is not loud. Confidence is just feeling good about yourself. COnfidence is having the guts to speak your mind. And i dont have that. And i want that. And i am going to get it.

Now the affair bit. I have been writing about my so called mysterious affair. F*&k it. I think i am being taken for a ride. And yet i am meeting him. And i give myself crazy reasons like...he can help me with my career. I am not sleeping with him (yet). Its just some fondling and ...

I am second fiddle...and i knew that all along. When i came into the f*&^#d up relationship...i knew he will not leave his family for me. He made me understand that too. So its family...work...family...work...work...friends...special girlfriends (the ones he likes but cannot have an affair with, coz they have better principles than me)...me. There I am...last in the list. Waiting...for spending time with him. I dont get anything from him. Not monetory or physically. No house to stay in...no gifts nothing. And yet i give myself to him. I DONT KNOW WHY! I have too much pride to ask him for anything. Pride. And afraid that he will break it off if i do. Which brings me back to self confidence. I feel i may not be pretty enough and he will waste no time to dump me.


Okay so here is a serious screwed up case. But i am going to fight it. I am coming out of my shell and no one can stop me. I am bettering myself. I am studying, reading moving up the rung my self. And you know what ? I did it my way.

Unheard Voices

I am going to see him tonight. I moved through the weekend in anticipation of tonight. I dream about the way he touches me..his seductive words about how he wants to pleasure me. I havent gone to there yet...but it is only a matter of time.

And then there are voices in my head. That tell me it is wrong. Stopping me from going to the next level. The voices are cold and cruel because they speak the truth. Every where i turn people talk about morals. I open the papers to read about vice. People tell me that the world is going to come to an end. People are sinning everywhere and I am one of them. I sometimes think they are signs for me to do the right thing. The proper thing. Break it off. This is a test from God and I am failing badly.

And yet I dont stop it. I encourage him. This sinful pleasure that he gives me is difficult to let go. I want to do more. But no. Not yet. I try to hold on to my sanity. I try to avoid sinning by refusing to see him. But the pull is too strong. I dare not discuss this with friends. Their disgust will kill me. I carry my burden alone. Because with every pleasure there is pain.

Fugitive

I run. The path is long and dark. And I am running. Running away from my sins. Trying to find comfort in my family which I took for granted. I want to run into their welcoming arms but everything is dark. The fast life whose lights had seemed attractive only a while ago has blinded me. I have no friend. I have no family. I cannot share my burdens and I have no where to run.


I cannot get caught. It will kill them and it will kill me. I am running away from my morals, my principles, the standards that were set so high and yet so easy to break. What is wrong with me? Why can’t I just walk away from this temptation? Why am I giving excuses for my behaviour? No. No upbringing in this world can justify my actions. I cannot blame my society and family for this. Their rules should have made me stronger to the sins of this world. It is me. Me, who is tempted by the fast life of the people around me, who is tempted by money enough to sin. I have no values, no morals and no rules. I have broken the rule in every book. I am committing a wicked sin that is immoral in every society, even the most liberal. I cannot blame my society and my religion for this.

I am having an affair with a married man and as fast as I run...I cannot break free.

The Journey

I started this blog to unburden myself from the recent events that have been agonizing me. However when I started I realized that it is difficult to simply enter the events in my life without a background. This is the story of my life, not a diary to record my daily events. I want to relieve my pain, insecurties and my shame. My shameful story of my life or rather what i have turned a lovely story into.

I write this blog with caution. Lest someone i know put two and two together. I dont want my family to be burdened by my secrets. These are for me to carry to my grave, if I can help it. But i am afraid I may be found out. And they cannot bear it. These stories will remain what they are...an annonymous writer telling her story.

My journey as compared to a million other women in this world was less painful. I didnt have an abusive father or an uncaring mother. I had a close knit family who held together despite our differances. My father, despite his narrow minded ideas allowed me a decent education (I point out father because mothers rarely have a say in the family). Though he controls us in many ways, he was also open minded enough to allow me to stay away from home to complete my college education.

My father is a typical Asian father. He tells us what to study, how to talk, how to behave. I am grateful to my father and mother for providing me this sheltered life. They sacrificed their life to get us here. They could have spent my college fees on that tour my father has always wanted to go to. Or they could have married me off young and i would'nt have said a word in protest. They knew i coudnt and yet they didnt. He had dreams. Dreams to see his children educated and living a life of independece.

He had a poor upbringing. An indfifferant father and a submissive mother. Though his parents loved him, as typical asian parents those days, this love was not displayed. The father was harsh and selfish in many ways. What my father is today is purely through his efforts. Every single cent that he owes now is his. He studied while working because he didnt have anyone to support him. I am grateful to God that he did not become wayward.

I have often wondered on the what ifs? What if my father was a drug addict? or my mother uncaring and selfish? What if they had abandoned me at birth? I am glad they are what they are and I am here because of them. I am sad that due to the nature of this blog, I cannot share this gratefulness with them. I love them and I dont want to hurt them. And yet this doenst stop me from sinning.

Endless Rules

Boundaries set by mankind in an attempt to create the perfect world. Different societies have different rules. Some societies have none. And some societies have it all.

For a Muslim Woman from an Asian Country...the rules are endless. We are born into written and unwritten rules for every move we make. Some rules are dictated to us by our religion and some thrown at us by the society. Most make sense but many are ridiculous.

We have rules for how to eat, how we talk and the way we walk and dress and even sleep. In our society woman are expected to live like prisoners abiding these rules every minute. Our religion and my society tells me how to 'behave' like a woman.

When I was young, I never understood these rules and the impact they would have on me. I remember a phase when I wished I was a boy. Only because they can do what they want, basically be children. They can run around without a care, they can shout and jump and dress and play games. Activities that little children do but which had been callously corrupted by the rules of society. Girls in my society were not encouraged to act spontaneously as little children do, to play games without a care. We had to talk softly and walk quietly. We cannot sit cross legged in front of elders and men and we cannot sleep on our backs. We cannot play with little boys and we cannot play outside. No sports, no activities, no movies or hanging out at friends houses.

I have never resented all the rules that were piled on us. There are some rules that I respect and understand. Some that are required to guide and some to control. Most of the rules laid down by my religion have a basis of truth to them.

It is my society that I resent. Their interpretation of the religion and their imposition of it. Society saw the rules in their harshest light and followed it blindly, not understanding them. The narrow minded society that shaped my parents made me unhappy. Woman were not allowed to voice out opinions, they were not required to think. They were there primarily to make babies and to take care of their families. The Man knows it all.

I grew up self conscious and unconfident, unable to speak my mind and conscious of every move I make. Was I right in saying that? Is my walk attracting unwarranted attention? Rules that follow and torment me every minute of my adult life.

The Beginning

Four attempts and three blogs later here I am in my final attempt. In the past, I have tried blogging for a number of reasons, the death of a pet, the loss of a loved one...blah blah blah. Reasons that seemed so significant at that time but I never got around to putting my thoughts to words. Maybe because they were issues I could share with people...friends, families, colleagues.

And now here I am with a secret that I cant share with my loved ones or strangers. Afraid of the disappointment in their eyes and the disgust in their words. And so I turn to my friendly companion who does not tell me off and holds my secret in its complex system that is beyond my understanding - the Internet.

I have never had a diary in my life. In all these years of ups and downs...I have never considered a diary. I don't know if that was because of my nosy family or my own insecurity. But then again I have never had to hide anything from my family. I had a pretty 'decent' life...there was school and college and work...the straight path.

Okay so I have always been a little bit of the black sheep in my small family...a little rebellious, a lot stubborn and very much different. But over the years I have adjusted myself to their expectations, swallowing my own desires and dreams and leading a life that is 'correct' in the eyes of society.

But 'correct' did not make me happy. And so I let a little of the fast life I so craved seep into my seemingly proper living. I trod the forbidden path and there is no turning back.